It seems very fitting that our first and last september blog post should occur on the same day. Claudia, I am not entirely sure if you read these any more because obviously the blog has not been our top priority lately. But I have some time to kill (meaning I'm procrastinating studying) and I have some things to vent. So. Here we go.
I feel like we can use first names and such on our blogs, because there is not a doubt in my mind that we are the primary viewers of this. For that reason, let me tell you a story about my friendship with Jordan. I really like Jordan. I really really really do. I actually think I have an unhealthy attachment to him, which brings me to my predicament. Due to Jordan's, ahem "hobby", I keep telling him that I'm worried he doesn't have healthy coping skills. Also, I know that I can never compete with his hobby in terms of enjoyment or whatever. And that sucks. As you recall from my last dramatic blog post in which I whined about not having a best friend, or more specifically not being a best friend (although thank goodness that's all cleared up) you know that that is a huge insecurity I have. I hate feeling like I'm not good enough, or not enough period for someone. I take friendships super seriously. Way more seriously than a lot of people.
Anyways, I feel almost betrayed when me and Jordan are having what I believe to be a good time, and then he has to go do his hobby so he can actually be happy. And that sucks tremendously. I don't judge him, I don't. I feel concern for him, not judgement. And despite what he believes, I actually value our friendship way more than he does.
Claudia, you know how I am. You and me are the kinds of people that don't really get emotionally invested or attached to things, and if we do we normally don't make a big deal about it. And I am emotionally invested in Jordan. So when he does things that disappoint me for lack of a better term, my feelings get hurt. And as someone who does not have particular pride for feeling anything at all, I get like devastated over what is probably a minute thing.
All of this is to say I am in a one sided shut out. My thoughts are that I was so invested in Jordan that I got really hurt over the smallest things. And when people disappoint me like that, by hurting my feelings or whatever, I shut them out. I start using my sarcasm more than actual feelings and then I slowly pull away from that person. Right now, it has been 3 days since I have spoken to Jordan which I believe is a record. I feel like since he disappointed me, he didn't place enough value on our friendship and therefore there really was no friendship to begin with. Crazy and neurotic statement? Yes. I know it is. But I can't change the way I feel or how I deal with things. Also, I think my point has been proven that he has not made an effort to talk to me either.
Is it too much to ask for people to actually care about me as much as I do them? Is it insane to hope that no one will disappoint me the way so many people have done before? I just want someone who won't let me get away. This is why, to bring this whole rant home, that I really do try my hardest to not care about people, to not get invested in them. Because asides from you and Looney (though she be super shady) every single person in my life has disappointed me in some way and so I never allow myself to get close to them again.
Also, I'm still having flashbacks of seeing my roommate topless on her bed with a boo thang.
